A public recourse for this season's biggest non-scandal: regional eligibility.
July 16, 2024 by Ultiworld in Sponsored with 0 comments
This article is paid for by Bush Jones, Licensed Private Investigator. Ultiworld received no compensation for the publication of this article; all opinions are those of the author(s).
The Issue
In this day and age, misinformation is rampant. Particularly when it comes to residential location as it relates to the requirements for geographic eligibility in USAU’s club guidelines.
Your rival team may be breaking the rules and rostering tons of out-of-section or out-of-region players right under your nose, and uncovering this malfeasance is almost impossible to do on your own. With a couple VPNs or bots or whatever, someone who is in the very same room as you could appear to be in the North Central region! Or maybe they intentionally planted their Airpods in a stranger’s home in Boston and have everyone fooled as to their true domicile.
Making things worse, the biggest, richest teams are paying opulent sums to bring in high value assets from all over, lording their wealth over the hardworking middle class teams who just want a fair shake. Some even may be bending the rules about where these players live, skirting the laws of geographic eligibility that the rest of us have to live by. Another example in a long history of elites thinking they are above the law just because they go to Pro Champs.
The powers that be are incapable of policing this situation, and frankly cannot be trusted. What recourse do you have when the authorities will not or cannot deliver the truth?
How I Can Help
My name is Bush Jones and I offer private investigator services to teams or individuals who want hard facts on the whereabouts and residencies of rival players who may be abusing the system.
While some teams spend lots of money flying in top players, my prices are very affordable. For $50 a day, plus expenses (mostly Fireball and Zyn pouches) I can get you the answers that justice demands.
My Methods
- Tailing players home from practice to see if they really live where they say they do
- Putting the squeeze on people’s parents to ascertain whether this player whose USAU address is still their childhood home, in a geographically convenient area, is actually living with their parents at age 34
- Tracking down someone this player may have ballbagged at summer league 10 years ago who still holds a grudge and can provide explosive testimony as to their current actual residence
- Pretending they won a contest and making them put their address down to claim it (this works more often than you would think)
- Bribing local officials to access social security numbers, birth certificates, and other documents to see if “Dodger Middlebrook” is even a real person
Client Testimony
How to Apply
I work nights, weekends (except every other weekend when I’ve got my kid), and have zero qualms with getting my hands dirty to keep yours clean in pursuit of the truth.
If interested in hiring my services, come in person to my office on the top deck of the Guy V. Molinari Staten Island Ferry with minimum one week’s worth of payment in cash, sealed in an envelope marked “TCT Bid Fee.”
