Brodie & Kurt finished in second place this week.
February 22, 2016 by Ultiworld in Opinion with 1 comments
Simon Pollock: To kick things off this week, we’re taking all the evidence we’ve gathered as Ultiworld’s elite fact-finding team, generating deep reality television and ultimate-infused insights, and bringing you our picks for the first team to get the boot, and why. Each staff member made their pick before watching this week’s episode and, for what it’s worth, I didn’t even understand what happened in the teaser for this week’s episode.
I’m picking Team Rooster Teeth as my Episode 2 loser. Their performance in the firework challenge was abysmal considering the outrageous lead they held. They stumbled, and seemed to care more about telling each other how much they loved each other and then kissing — gross. I just don’t think they want it bad enough. I’m not sure they even know why they’re here, honestly. But like, long live Red vs. Blue.
Daniel Prentice: Wow, that Red vs Blue reference.
Katie Raynolds: Because I’m competitive and I take this shit seriously, I rewatched the “scenes from this season” several times. Here’s what I’ve found.
Team Rooster Teeth make it to a coastal place where they’re cliff diving. If that’s not featured in this episode, they’re safe. #TeamKrodie, #TeamDancers, and #TeamAlabama both make it to the desert, where this happens:
God love ‘em. My favorite Southerners also make it to the mountains with #TeamKrodie and #TeamPurple.
My official guess is actually that the models don’t make it. They don’t seem to have any real-life skills to contribute – they say themselves all they have is charm – and we know you need more than charm to make it through ‘Nam jungles and Egyptian deserts. They’re only shown hugging briefly in the season promo, and I could see them failing at something easy. Also, I just don’t like them.
Daniel: I mean, the safe pick is Scott and Blair, right? They finished last in week one and Scott is clearly the weakest player in the field. But then, they were also featured quite a bit in the episode and you would think the show wouldn’t go to the trouble of letting us get to know them and like them if they were only going to be around for one more episode. (Assuming that someone is going to be eliminated this week. That is going to happen, right?)
So with that logic, I am going to go with Zach and Rachel King as the last place finishers this go around. I don’t remember seeing much of them at all in the first round and they also seemed to lack any killer instinct whatsoever in the bits we did see of them. They’re also newlyweds, if I recall correctly, and that is definitely one of the more potent potential pair undoings. When I analyze and try to predict reality TV, I always do so with unrelenting logic and reason. And those tell me that Zach and Rachel are the first to be weakest links.
Keith Raynor: So I’ll take the safe pick of Scott and Blair, but that may be largely based on bias. I’m pretty sure Blair told her dad they would have finished that Bull puzzle faster if she had a different partner, which is just an outright shitty thing to say. Plus, they both have not demonstrated any actual strengths.
Patrick Stegemoeller: I’m picking those dancer fuckboiz to get booted every episode until it happens.
Daniel: We are about to start! Let’s see which country gets culturally appropriated this week! Oh, there we have it — it’s Colombia.
Simon: Like shooting fish in a barrel. Sweet pronunciation job, Zach. That’s what everyone says. Cartegena, sounds like Orangina, right? Of course it does.
Meanwhile, that was an embarrassing amount of tilt shift in the introduction. The cuts were so fast I could barely see the effects. I realize this is the second week in a row I’m going to do this, but haven’t the people editing this schlock seen a good tilt-shifted opening?
This show has won a bazillion awards. I don’t know why I even bother.
Daniel: Brodie’s long, athletic frame comes into play very early on in the #HotMess mud pit. #TeamKrodie takes the early lead! He then labors through swimming through like a foot of water and is absolutely gassed afterward, but that athletic superiority is definitely giving our boys an edge in this competition.
Katie: It’s revealed that Blair brought a hairdryer and a curling iron on this worldwide race, which is ridiculous. One could argue that she’s on national TV and has to look good, but every pound you carry matters when you’re literally racing. Except that her dad is apparently carrying them for her, so maybe that’s why he seems so tired and out of it.
Simon: Katie’s right. Over-packing with styling tools never works out. We’ve have evidence since the 1980’s. Take only what you need to survive. Mel Brooks taught us that.
Keith: Noticed Brodie’s junk adjustment because my first thought was, “Oh my god, is he wearing Five Shorts? Because he’s wet now and the nation is about to get a very detailed look at his junk.” Every ultimate playing dude knows this feeling.
Also, why is Kurt yelling “Brodes”? Is that really the best you could do, Kurt? All your time in ultimate, and that’s the full extent of your nickname game? That’s kinda embarrassing and really misrepresents the creativity, hilarity, and depravity of most ultimate nickname culture.
Katie: Speaking of the need for compression shorts…while Blair brought two frivolous hair accessories, she did not bring a swimsuit. Hmm. Scott seems understandably uncomfortable with the idea of her mud wrestling in a thong, so she borrows spandex from one of the other women. Ridiculous.
Simon: “You look like Golem, looking for the ring!” Nice going, #TeamRoosterTeeth. Zing.
Daniel: The most entertaining/offensive part of this show so far is the players trying to communicate with the non-English speaking citizens of these countries. Most of them know just a few words and repeat them ad nauseum to no effect. “Rapido, rapido!” And Hagan and Marty actually just said “El race-o” to their Colombian taxi driver, who I’m pretty sure is intentionally driving slowly because of how much they are butchering his language.
Simon: Marty and Hagan used the timeless English-to-Spanish formula to solve for “El Race-O”.
Daniel: At the halfway mark, it’s looking very much like Hagan and Marty will be the first team to be eliminated, as Hagan begins to break down in the mud pit. And I’m wondering – is it possible that there were only enough green emeralds for the teams to take one? Will the one that Korey dropped and lost be the end for these two? That would be an awfully unfair reason for losing, I have to say.
Simon: It’s great that we’re really getting bombarded with the tensions in between the teams that are lagging behind or messing up here. Throw in the broken Spanish, the reality TV music, and unexplored feelings, and you get Dana saying something about how she’s “not a gray area person.” Sucks to suck, Dana — that entire beach is gray! *high fives himself*
Katie: Dana revealing that she pushed Matt into getting engaged “before he was ready” boosts the stakes of this game by 100%. I want them on much longer, if only to see the full meltdown of Matt. Sorry, Pat.
Daniel: Dana and Matt’s chemistry is one of the highlights of the episode. Dana basically just screams at Matt, who ignores her incessantly. I’m definitely seeing what Pat saw in episode one. Not sure how much of them I can take. Luckily, I don’t think their dynamic of horrible, toxic bickering will lend itself to being around for very long. But there’s definitely a full meltdown from at least one of them in the cards, so it should be a win for everybody.
Meanwhile, #TeamKrodie has lost their lead to Tyler and Korey the Saboteur, due to an inability to plant their posts deep enough into the sand. Kurt expresses disappointment in #TeamKrodie, taking full responsibility for the loss of the lead. That’s the kind of leadership and accountability that wins national championships, folks.
Keith: I do appreciate that #TeamKrodie is firmly established as athletically dominant, as evidenced by Tyler and Korey’s pride at besting them in a challenge that involved any physical labor. While it’s by default, I’ll take “frisbee bros = athletes” if that’s what the viewing public wants to take away from this show.
Katie: Abandoned hungry dog count: 2. Did the editors leave them in the shots to make everything seem more “authentic”? Those dogs would have for sure eaten the horrifying, murdered fish that Scott and the Wonder Twins butchered.
Daniel: Host Phil with the hard hitting questions as teams finish, essentially asking Sheri if it feels good to not be kicked off the show. “Yes,” she answers, in her southern drawl.
Simon: I like the part where Bernie and his wife kiss, and then Phil looks at #TeamKrodie and is like, “How come you guys didn’t do that?” and is all proud of himself. This show has everything! Gay jokes from the host!
Daniel: Damn, that is a brutal, brutal defeat for Hagan and Marty. They finish the cooking challenge before the Benson brothers, but because they left their cab over a mile away from the challenge they finish behind them and are the first team eliminated. I’ve always said that The Amazing Race is unforgiving when it comes to mental lapses like that.
Simon: You know what being extremely culturally insensitive gets you?
Daniel: Overall feelings from the episode: we didn’t get to see much of #TeamKrodie, but that was because they finished before all but one of the teams. A very strong showing from our boys, but they will need to learn and grow from the mental mistake that cost them first place and that sweet trip to St. Thomas.
Katie: This was a much more entertaining episode because it was much clearer how you can make a stupid mistake and fall way behind: the Wonder Twins driving straight to the challenge instead of picking up their clue. Zach and Rachel King building their pop up tent in the wrong place. Marty and Hagen saying “fuck cabs” and sprinting to the challenge, only to be brutally passed by the Wonder Twins in their car.
For all their athletic prowess (though Brodie was winded after that swim – guess he wasn’t #Training4USA), #TeamKrodie is also making smarter choices throughout the challenges. With opponents like Scott & Blair and the Wonder Twins, that could make all the difference.
Simon: I finished this week’s episode hungry. That fish looked great, and it may be the first detour that managed to impart some piece of culture on the audiences without beating us over the head with how weird the rest of the world is for not eating fish in as a breaded filet, served with a super-sized fry and a Diet Coke.
As for #TeamKrodie, Daniel you know how people say that good ultimate is boring? Well our guys played great this week.
Keith: I think it is fair to say #TeamKrodie has got to be a frontrunner at this point, but that may only because they have a clear strength and not a clear flaw while most of these other teams have just brutal glaring flaws. The Benson Brothers seem like they couldn’t care less about anything, Scott and Blair are like two anchors tied to one another, Jessica and Brittney + Cole and Sheri spend more time trying to be funny than competing, etc. But, the challenges could be so random that anything could throw our boys off, I guess.
Patrick’s Power Rankings
Brodie’s Top 7 Favorite New Age Spa Treatments
I mean, just look at this:
In this week’s episode, Brodie took to that volcano mud bath like he had been exfoliating his pores in various naturally occurring mud pits for years. Which turns out to be totally accurate.
As a social media entertainer, Brodie relies a lot on his appearance and thus regularly undergoes a series of exotic New Age-y spa treatments to give his body that nice “new car” look.
I’ve gone ahead and ranked these treatments based on how much he enjoys each one:
1. Hot Volcano Mud Bath – Once he saw on the card what the challenge would be, a wry smile slid its way across Brodie’s face. Much like Briar Rabbit, he was born in the mud. He was home in the mud. And he was going to show Phil and everyone else at El Tutomo that he was king of the mud.
2. Kelp Tape – After seeing his teammate Chris Gibson eat like a goddamned maniac (seriously, check out this video. Come for the bizarre pleasure of watching someone stick an entire sandwich in their mouth, stay for the hilarious shot of a 19 year old Dalton Smith losing his shit), Brodie learned that the key to a life of eating fast food while winning national titles comes from dredging all of the toxins out of your intestines with a giant seaweed rope. He started doing it bi-monthly, and hasn’t looked back.
3. Cryotherapy – Like many elite athletes, Brodie is no stranger to all manner of ice baths and other cold therapy techniques. Submerging his body in liquid nitrogen at temperatures below -200 Fahrenheit seemed like the next logical step. You can’t tear your ACL if it’s literally frozen solid.
4. Elephant Massage – As an enthusiastic Brodie repeatedly reminded the confused and increasingly wary tourists at the Tampa Bay Zoo, “Elephants are the original Darkhorses.”
He then stood still, transfixed by the exhibit, licking his ice cream cone, murmuring faint nothings under his breath. Barely audible phrases like “majestic reach,” “unimaginable core strength,” and “those pretty, pretty, eyes” were all the now terrified tourists could make out.
5. Cactus Massage – Turns out it is with a cactus paste and not like, the spines, which would have been super Darkhorse.
6. Saltwater Float – While the prospect of floating alone in a pitch black echo chamber for hours on end trapped with only your own accelerating insanity seems like at best a horrific fever dream, it really does wonders for your immune system and basically cauterizes any open wounds you may have.
During these sessions, Brodie likes to combat the creeping madness by reminding himself that by acclimating to saltwater conditions, he will become the world’s first saltwater Gator. This would finally allow him to take the fight to those haughty crocodiles after all these years. “They think they are safe in their oceans” Brodie says out loud to himself after hour three of the sort of solitary confinement that would have broken any sane man hours ago. “But soon they will know the power of the Gator, the one true riparian reptile. Soon, they’ll all know…”
7. Acupuncture – Does not like needles. Never has.