April 1, 2025 by Laura Osterlund and Patrick Stegemoeller in Livewire, Other
Shock Move! Ben Dameron Quits UNC Darkside Midseason to Focus on Winning Intramural Kickball Title
“I’ve been playing frisbee my whole life, and I finally got up the courage to try to compete against real athletes” said North Carolina’s presumptive Callahan nominee. “It’s scary putting yourself out there, but I’m excited to see what happens. Maybe if I can make it at the kickball level, one day I can even take the leap up to volleyball or flag football” mused the three time National champion.
Explained: The Group Chat Debacle Behind UBC Thunderbirds’ Only Loss of the Season
This season’s Northwest Challenge had some fights for the ages in the women’s division. Most notably, UBC Thunderbirds’ fall from undefeated-ness with a compelling loss to Colorado Quandary. After the weekend, many were left wondering how the Canadians could lose so badly after a full season of steamrolling every team in their wake. After some examination, it has been revealed that an anonymous Quandary player has been present in UBC’s team Discord server for the entirety of the season.
“I was looking to transfer to UBC after this past fall semester, so I reached out to them and they pre-emptively added me to the chat,” explained the Colorado player. “But when I decided I didn’t want to leave the mountains, I was in too deep. And since my Discord nickname is not my real name, they forgot about me and now no one really knows I’m here. I debated leaving the chat, but I had a feeling it would play off in the end. And it did!”
From the group chat, the player was able to gather crucial information from the Thunderbirds and infiltrate from within. The information included offensive and defensive strategies, weaknesses, and sets named after obscure player nicknames. It also included the team’s cheers and Spotify playlists, both of which Quandary replicated to get in their opponents’ heads.
Strangely, the team did not find the player’s response of 👊
🔥out of place or alarming.
After Feedback, USAU Plans Additional Geographic Redraw
USAU made waves earlier this year with the announcement that several sectional and regional boundaries would shift in the club division this year. Some notably results included Toronto moving from the Northeast region into the Great Lakes, the Bay Area separating into two sections, and the creation of the “Central Appalachia” section in the Mid-Atlantic. Following reaction to this news, USAU has announced the following additional changes:
- After receiving commentary that life in the South Central region “could be even more fucked up” the decision was made to extend a gerrymandered corridor of the South Texas section into Southwestern Arizona, specifically the town of Wellton, where Sectionals will be held in perpetuity. It is an 18 hr one way drive from Houston.
- To make up for losing Toronto, the Northeast Region will now include all of the United Kingdom, Ireland, and Denmark. Teams from these countries are not allowed to participate in the regular season, but are encouraged to participate in the postseason and are permitted to roster any European or Canadian players for the series regardless of geographic eligibility requirements.
- College regional boundaries are shifting as well, with UNC Wilmington being moved into the Florida Section which is now sponsored by Spotify’s “2000s and 2010s Nostalgia Mix,” while the Northwest and Southwest women’s divisions have been broken up via use of the Sherman Antitrust Act
- No changes have been made to the geography of the Metro East, but each team is allowed one “do-over” per point on any throwaway or drop
Cal Poly SLO/SLOBs Freaky Friday
Something weird is going on in the Southwest region. For some unknown reason, the throwing skills of Cal Poly SLO players Anton Orne and Kyle Law, as well as the abilities to receive of Alex Noson, have transferred over to SLO-B players, as was evident by their performance all season long. Their surprise successes turned some heads at Santa Barbara Invite, where many people questioned how SLO-Bs got to SLO-level good.
On the flip side, spectators have noticed that SLO Core started playing at the level of their developmental team. Sure, they could hold their own against other mid-level teams, but when trying to compete at a higher caliber, they just could not do it, facing blowout after blowout at SBI and Stanford Invite. Their star players (as mentioned above) looked like they had lost their biggest powers.
At this rate, it looks as though SLOBs will be the ones to do well at Nationals and SLO might struggle to even make it to D-I Southwest Regionals.
“I’ve been trying to run the algorithms on this for weeks but I’m getting many error codes. I mean, it’s a true Freaky Friday, up is down, left is right,” said SLO coach, Cody Drills. “SLO are falling to the developmental part of the rankings. But soon, SLOBs will be (eix + e-ix )2 /4 + sin2 (x)1, guaranteed.”
For those who do not speak fluently in equations, this equals to 1 ↩
