April 1, 2025 by Laura Osterlund and Patrick Stegemoeller in Livewire, Other
Colorado Quandary and UNC Overhaul Coaching Staff
In other sports news, Colorado Buffaloes football coach Deion Sanders (aka Coach Prime) was rumored to have been in the talks with the Dallas Cowboys to become their next head coach. However, Sanders recently dismissed the rumors, saying he couldn’t coach at a professional level.
“That’s why I say, I couldn’t coach — I know it was cute — but I couldn’t coach pro ball, because the way they practice, the way they go about it, I couldn’t take it,” said Sanders on his podcast. “I care about the game. The game is still providing for me, so there is no way I could allow that to happen on my watch. That would be tough.”
With the dismissal of the Cowboys rumors, new speculations arose about Coach Prime’s extra coaching endeavors. Sources spotted Sanders on the sidelines alongside Colorado Quandary at SBI earlier this season.
“He’s a natural coach and he knows many different sports already, so the game just comes easy to him,” said captain Fran Durbick. “He came off a little strong at first, but as soon as we adapted his football plays to ultimate, we were golden. We know that he’s gonna take us to the next level.”
Quandary are not the only team to get pro-ball-level coaching, as former Patriots coach Bill Belichick is adding Pleiades and Darkside to his coaching slate after arriving at UNC earlier this school year.
Seattle to Carleton Pipeline Bursts
Due to an excessive amount of sub-zero temperatures during a polar Vortex1 in Minnesota this winter, the pipeline that has notably brought Seattle’s biggest export, players from their bustling youth scene, to Carleton College has burst near the mouth (of the pipeline- if that wasn’t clear). Instead of sending players to CUT and Syzygy, they got dumped at St. Olaf. A total of six players–four WMP and two MMP–were affected by the burst. The players were welcomed by their fellow Seattleites, Vortex senior Leina Goto, and Berzerkers sophomore Jackson Forebaugh. It turns out, a school in Northfield, MN is a school in Northfield, MN, and these players chose to just go with it.
“It’s still a school in Minnesota, cold and in the middle of nowhere and I’m still going to land up at a college Nationals, it’ll be fine,” said first-year player.
Crews with the Pipeline and Hazardous Materials Safety Administration (PHMSA) are working on restoring the pipelines, but with recent wind chills below zero2, it may take weeks. However, in order to repair the pipeline, the PHMSA will have to turn it off altogether, which has the potential to cause a backup and spew players into Western Washington given the wrong timing. Syzygy coaches, Courtknee Kiesow and Logan Weisshaupt, hope it will happen before recruitment efforts for Chloe Hakimi begin in earnest.
USAU Set to Allow 10th-Year Players, and Potentially Add College Masters Divisions
The final wave of players granted sixth-year eligibility because of their canceled COVID seasons will be taking the field for one last season…and maybe a few more. These players typically brought experience and depth to keep the college scene strong, like 2024 POTY Dawn Culton or D-III National Champion Gordon Larson, both leaving their final marks in 2024. In fact, sixth and seventh-year players made such an impact in the college sphere that USAU has decided to continue to allow teams to roster players up to five years after they graduate.3
“We realized the value that sixth and seventh-year players hold, how much spectators like to watch them, and how much more money we can get with dues. After all, players who are not in college and have jobs can better afford the tournament fees,” said college coordinator Matthew Myland.
“We want to extend maximum player eligibility by three more years, allowing players who started college in 2016 to play in the 2026 season,” Myland continued. “We understand critics may argue that some teams will have an unfair advantage from this and are working on potential solutions. We are leaning towards implementing a college Masters division, allowing teams with seventh through 10th-year players to compete in their own separate tournaments, including their own Nationals–a third college Nationals next spring.”
While some fans lauded the decision, others voiced doubts that it would look too much like a current club season.
Celebrity Spotting
Step aside, Billie Eilish, MKBHD, Stacy Gaskill, and Rodney Adams4, there’s a new big celebrity in the ultimate community. Tom Holland has been spotted practicing with Cornell Buds in the lead-up to his upcoming biopic about Bill Nye. The Science Guy was famously a member of Buds in his college years. Holland, who has only been known as a theater person, was, to some people’s surprise, a natural. With all five years of eligibility remaining, Holland fit right in with the other team rookies, and he will compete with the team for the upcoming seasons.
With great fame comes great responsibility, though, as all of the Buds’ games will be filmed, not just by Ultiworld, but also by professional cinematographers. Some games, such as those in the Series, may also be scripted to fit the Bill Nye Narrative.
see what I did there? ↩
Sub Zero Windchills, if you will ↩
Unless it takes them 10 total years to go through college, then they will have their eligibility through their full college experience, plus an additional five years–an extreme case, to which USAU officials hope there’s nobody in this sport who go that slow and steady ↩
the former NFL player who was rostered on Colorado Summit this season… Or maybe not, apparently. This clearly did not age well ↩
