April 1, 2025 by Laura Osterlund and Patrick Stegemoeller in Livewire, Other
Calvin Ciorba is Actually Three Spidermonkeys in a Trench Coat
Breaking news from the D-III Men’s division: current Richmond Spidermonkeys star Calvin Ciorba, who has become a dominant force in the division within the past few seasons, has been keeping a secret that might explain how he is so powerful. After several players saw a tail sticking out of his jersey at Mid-Atlantic Warmup, USAU launched a thorough internal investigation to figure out what was going on. Their findings were shocking.
Instead of a human player, Ciorba is three spidermonkeys stacked up, wearing a very human-looking morph suit.
To catch Ciorba in the act, USAU officials set up a trap that lured him into a human-sized cage. The spidermonkeys, some of nature’s more resourceful scavengers, were unable to resist the assortment of stale bagels, unripe bananas, and Nutella-covered plastic knife shards strewn around the field site at D-III River Showdown, the Spidermonkeys’ next tournament. From there, they could verify the identity once and for all.
“We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids,” exclaimed the spidermonkeys after the unmasking.1
Missing USAU Annual Reports Found!
From 2019-2024, USA Ultimate stopped publicly publishing their annual reports. Intrepid reporting and a non-negligible amount of bodily risk from an Ultiworld source has retrieved these reports, which contain specific details on all of the expenditures USAU has made over the five year period. While much of the spending went into predictable ventures such as tournament hosting and staff salaries, there were a number of member dues-funded projects that are of a more unexpected nature.
This is a developing story as Ultiworld seeks comment from USAU on these expenditures coming to public light, information on which are still being funded, and whether there are any plans to publicize any additional details.
Some of the more notable ventures include…
- Attempting to buy the naming rights for use of the term “frisbee.” but getting scammed into purchasing the rights to the life story of an unexceptional German man from Frankfurt named “Fritz. B”
- A psy-op to make dogs worse at catching discs
- Hiring Sam Bankman-Fried for a complete “root and branch” redesign of the USAU website
- A $50,000 investment in Beau Kittredge’s production company, which sought to specialize in making animated films about buff children who train with adorable forest creatures
- Creating a stat tracking database that would capture how many times a player made a spite travel call, the average distance between the sideline and their in/out calls, the average rate of stall counting, the number of times they told opponents to “fuck off” after foul calls, and other spirit-related metrics
- The tab on several recruitment dinners intended to woo Nico Harrison to accept an offer as Tom Crawford’s replacement as CEO
- Investment in a genetic research project seeking to replicate the Ing family DNA and determine whether Henry is a new model clone
- Payoffs to Mitch Dengler’s employer funding a mafia style no-show day job that enables him to travel around the country observing tournaments 30 weeks a year
- A $30,000 investment in Beau Kittredge’s food delivery/fitness program app, TrackMealz, in which “runners” would take delivery orders to customers on foot via a series of programed interval sprints
- Payments made to goons to threaten Anna Nazarov’s loved ones to prevent her from retiring
- R&D on cones that “set themselves up”
- Funding for research designed to show a connection between playing disc golf and male pattern baldness
- A $400 cash wiring to bank account opened by a “B. K.” with a note saying “This is the last one. Go to grad school or something”
- A large birthday cake with, presumably, a misprint reading “Happy Birthday Crom Tauford”
USAU Implements New Discs
Last year, the UFA made big news when they rebranded and changed their discs to Arias. This season, USAU will attempt to try the same, starting with the discs. The Wham-O/Aria Frisbees will make their debut as the official game discs at College Nationals to see how players fare with the changes.
In a statement, USAU officials noted that the change of discs, which ensures the addition of Frisbee in the name, will be the first of several in the next few seasons to increase the legitimacy of the sport.
Player Does Not Know How to Lose a Final
Perhaps the most impressive feat of College Ultimate, many will be talking about the Pleiades four-peat for years to come. All but a few players on the team have never lost a single game at Nationals, and many only last year learned what it felt like to lose a college game altogether.
While the team’s players know how to win, one of them does not know how to lose.
The player, who wanted to remain anonymous, has been trying for the past three seasons to lose the final.
“Winning championships is fun, but after one year of dominance, people start to root against you,” they said. “I’m not a big fan of being the continuous villain.”
Rigorous investigative reporting has uncovered that during the past three National finals, this player tried to lose the game. They discretely tried to throw turnovers (which always got saved by Culton, Birdsong, and Barnett, among other notable players), let up on defense (where they accidentally got blocks without trying), attempted to pull short and out of bounds (which always ended up as line drives down the center of the field), and made completely gratuitous and superfluous plays with no intention to get their hands on the disc (yet the disc seemed to land in their hands every time). Every mistake they made somehow got atoned for, and to the player’s dismay, they could not secure the loss.
“Just once, I want to feel defeat. I will try my absolute hardest to lose so I can finally be at peace,” they said.
The player will try again this season as UNC tries for the five-peat, hoping they can successfully lose the championship.
Scooby Doo style ↩
