Kittredge Responds to Ultiworld Commentator Regarding San Jose Signing

Beau Kittredge posted an interesting and creative post on his Facebook page, responding to an anonymous Ultiworld commentator who questioned the importance of his AUDL signing earlier this week. Kittredge asked Ultiworld to publish his response comment, which we paste from his Facebook page below.

Hello Internet friends, Did you know you can use internet forums to anonymously post defamations of character? I love it. I found this gem on ultiworld…

Not a Beau fan– “Big deal… not. Beau was worthless in the MLU last year (no highlights, missed the finals) and he’ll be worthless in the AUDL this year. I’m sure he’ll make the requisite 50% of practices and games, provided there’s no conflicts with worlds practices or the sun shining a certain way. His article in skyd magazine said all you really need to know about Beau… a gifted athlete without any athletic ambition whatsoever. Wasn’t worth what the MLU paid him last year… which tells you what he’ll be worth to the AUDL this year. Kudos to MLU for not bidding for this turkey.”

An open response to Not a Beau fan.

***

How can you call me worthless and then later on call me a turkey? It just doesn’t make sense. With Thanksgiving right around the corner, turkeys are fetching a premium. At around 200 pounds I am a damn fine turkey that could have fed the MLU with plenty of leftovers; not wanting poor little MLU to have turkey this holiday is just cruel and, quite frankly, un-American.

Which brings me to your next display of anti-Americanism when you talked about me missing the finals of MLU. All the members of team USA missed the finals for team USA practice so we could get the gold at the 2013 World Games. Do you not want the USA to win gold? Did you know the World Games is showcasing our sport to the olympic committee that decides which sports represent at the games? Are you saying the MLU is more important than the Olympics, or are you one of those anti-american communists my drunk bigoted uncle warned me about.

You mention I will only make 50% of practices. Wrong. I have made sure the Spiders have no practices, and I can’t miss something that doesn’t exist. So ha. Alright, I am joking, we have practices and I will do my best to make them so that I don’t draw parallels to Allen Iverson and then end up playing in Siberia.
You claim I will only play if the sun is shining in a certain way. This is just wrong, having grown up in Alaska I can assure you I have played ultimate at times when the sun hasn’t been seen for months. Just like vampires, we Alaskans need no sun.

However you are quite right about me only playing in 50% of the MLU games last year. I believe I played in 6 out of the 12 games I could have played in. I will skim over the fact that those games were missed for good reasons and get right to the fact that this really hurts your own argument of overall worth. A quick google search found out that I was responsible for 46 points on the Dogfish. Now I am not very good at math, and I’m guessing you aren’t either, but I went ahead and tried some anyway:

46 goal divided by 6 games = 7.6 points per game.

Let’s see, I got paid 25 dollars a game…
$25/game divided by 7.6 points per game = $3.20 per point

So it costs the MLU about $3.20 for me to score a goal. To put that into context that’s less than what your parent pay for a gallon of milk so you can eat your Fruity Pebbles.

Now let’s compare to the underrated “cricket”, aka Josh Markette, who is a sexy man and a fine player. Statistically, he was the best player in the league, scoring 62 points. I know you’re still reeling from the last bout with math but we are going to do some more. I assume he made all 12 games, getting paid the same measly 25.

12 games times $25/game equals $300, divided by 62 points equals $4.84/point.

So in case you got lost: last year it cost $4.84 for each of Cricket’s goals, and $3.20 for mine. I could take this analogy back to milk, but let’s move on to this upcoming season where you’ve said my worthlessness will continue to flourish as a result of my lacking ambition. Now as you can tell, dear Not a Beau fan, I am quite fond of you and I want you to be able to afford your favorite pastime of huffing model airplane glue.

To that end, I think I have come up with a great solution. It’s called “wealth for worthlessness”… it’s kind of like “cash for gold” but not as sketchy. Here is how it works: before every Spiders game you tell me a player on the opposing team and I will give you $100 for every point they throw or catch. However, you must give me $50 dollars everytime I throw or catch a goal. Assuming all goes according to plan, my worthlessness will make you wealthy enough to open your own glue company called “Just for Huffs” and horses everywhere will fear your name.

I can see it now, a calm fall morning in a mist covered pasture:

“Is that Not a Beau fan walking this way, the famous glue guy who still uses the old techniques of turning horses into glue?” asks Sasha the random horse.

“I can’t tell, it might be,” replies Seabiscuit the respected race horse.

“From the waist down, definitely human,” giggles Sasha, tossing her mane.

“But his face is very horse like,” adds Seabiscuit, snorting the cold morning air.

“You better get out of here Seabiscuit, I hear Not a Beau fan is deadly when it comes to posting on the internet. It doesn’t matter if you’re a studly race horse who has given everything for your sport he will try to rip you apart hiding behind an anonymous username.”

Sasha nudges Seabiscuit with her snout.

“You can do that on the internet?!” Seabiscuit asks, startled.

“Yes, it’s called trolling and Not a Beau fan is one of the best, he uses glue huffing to come up with his brilliant ideas. Now go Seabiscuit, keep on training, keep on running, I will hold him off, I never told you this but…..I love you.”

Seabiscuit nods.

“I know you do… but are you sure that is Not a Beau fan? It really looks like a horse from the neck up.”

“I am sure. Now go and promise me you won’t ever let Not a Beau fan slow you down.”

“I won’t, I promise” Seabiscuit says, giving Sasha a long kiss that was so sloppy and terrible that it made her second guess the love she had so recently declared.

Seabiscuit survives, but Sasha does not, and in a cruel twist of fate later that week, while snorting glue made from Sasha, Not a Beau fan took to the internet under the username Not a Seabiscuit fan and started a trolling thread about the worthlessness of the sad race horse who for all his efforts could not get his hooves to work on the small keyboards at the local internet cafe to defend himself.

The End

  1. Sean Childers
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    Sean Childers is Ultiworld's Editor Emeritus. He started playing ultimate in 2008 for UNC-Chapel Hill Darkside, where he studied Political Science and Computer Science before graduating from NYU School of Law. He has played for LOS, District 5, Empire, PoNY, Truck Stop, Polar Bears, and Mischief (current team). You can email him at stats@ultiworld.com.

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