The Krodie Files: The Ballad of #Blodie

#Blodie is dead.

April 11, 2016 by Ultiworld in Opinion with 12 comments

In which the race gets more amazing, stray Georgian cats take down the romance of our time, and we call in reinforcements: Ultiworld’s own Tiina Booth!

Tiina: Thanks for inviting me, Simon! I have to admit, I was crushed when this feature started and I was not invited to be part of it. That’s why I called you out in my recap of the regular season last week. And now I am here. So easy.

Katie: Continuing in the theme of taking this way too seriously, I pulled together some analytics for you lovely readers, courtesy of The Amazing Race Wikipedia. The stats don’t lie: one contestant is not pulling his weight: Brodie Smith.

Of all the contestants still in the race, Brodie has done the fewest roadblocks. Of the seven roadblocks so far, Brodie has done 2 (mudpit, paragliding), and Kurt has done 5. Every other couple has split the roadblocks, including Scott/Blair and Sheri/Cole, for better or worse. [Full table below].

The analytics confirm what we had only suspected: Kurt is literally carrying this team. While Brodie killed it in the mudpit, he royally effed up the paragliding roadblock. Meanwhile, Kurt speaks multiple languages, knows how to dance, and can change a car’s oil.

Pick it up, Brodie. You’re in the big leagues now.

Tiina: At least Brodie doesn’t cry and beg Kurt to do a task. That Cole kid is on my last nerve. And I assume no one was surprised when he confessed, “I’m not good at cleaning my room.”

Simon: Fuck, in my head I had already written Sheri and Cole off. Worst start to an episode, ever.

Patrick: Just starting to watch now. At this point I’m more concerned about the Dancers losing and having horrible, empty lives than I am with Krodie winning.

Theory: Blair is not Scott’s daughter, they’re actually lovers, and she is working her way in with Brodie to sabotage the Krodie team. They’re like the Joker and Harley Quinn but with fake-incest instead of clowns.

Simon: I had a substitute teacher in high school who was sent to Georgia in the Peace Corps. He came back very bitter than he had spent three years in-country, and learned a language and full alphabet that is used literally nowhere else in the world. Apparently electricity was a sometimes thing. That didn’t help him lecture in journalism.

Daniel: Who is the first person to admit they didn’t know that Georgia is a country? My money is on one of the Alabamans. S-E-C! S-E-C!

Keith: It feels like, after making a whole ad campaign about Brodie and Blair (I’m not using that hashtag), they are being real casual about this relationship coming to some sort of fruition.

Tiina: You all are amateurs. The show starts immediately with the Brodie and Blair fake romance. This means that she and her dad are definitely going to be eliminated in this episode. Classic.

Daniel: At the very start of the episode, Kurt is third wheeling it HARD with #Blodie. Who has it worse in this whole situation – Kurt, or Blair’s dad?

Katie: 100% Kurt. Kurt is that guy whose freshman year roommate has a girlfriend for the first time, and the couple insists on making out in the room, even when Kurt is obviously still there. Kurt just has to put his headphones in and blare loud, loud music.

Simon: Next up on CBS’ tour of the former Soviet Bloc, one of presumably dozens of places called Freedom Square, where exactly no one was truly free until the curtain fell #murica. In case any of our dear readers needed a reference point for who in the American public, on average, knows a) where Georgia is b) what language is spoken there, we’ll go to Blair’s first reaction to her cab driver’s presumed greeting:

“I don’t speak that.” -Blair

Daniel: This episode is starting off strong with the complete lack of cultural awareness. Cole saying “more rah-pee-doe” and Dana getting visibly angry at her cab driver having the nerve to not speak English are two memorable moments right off the bat.

Keith: Cole “rah-pee-doe”s like it’s a reflex.

Simon: Hats off to Rachel for her flawless explanation of “who wears the pants” in her relationship with Zach. In her attempt to explain that there’s plenty of equity in their relationship (they each have a leg in and run in different directions), she ripped the patriarchy’s crotch.

Keith: I love the shot of Phil talking about Tyler and Korey like they aren’t next to him, like he is some sort of phantasmal narrator. C’mon Phil, we know you’re a real dude.

Daniel: This is the first time we’ve seen this in The Race. Two teams show up at a detour and are unable to actually perform it, on account of too many teams being there already. The dancers and Blair and her poor dad decide to switch to the other detour instead of waiting to make candy. It will be interesting to see how devastating this is for the two teams. We’ll also finally get an idea of how far away the two detours are away from each other for this first time.

Tiina: I was completely wrong about these two detours. Stringing candy looked infinitely better than cleaning out the wine jugs. And, OF COURSE, Cole’s mother gives him her gloves. E-N-A-B-L-I-N-G.

Simon: EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

Krodie Ad

Thanks, CBS. You gave us an ad that we all needed, when none of us had the faintest idea we did.

Daniel: I have to say I’m excited by that prospect as well. Pat has hated them since week one, and I didn’t get it right away. But since week two, the hatred for Dana has increased at an exponential rate. Pretty much every other team is on some range of likable to completely neutral, but Dana drives me crazy.

Keith: I truly thought Brodie was about precision. This is clearly not the case. Meanwhile, I’m with you that watching Dana & Matt’s slow painful failure is pretty great. Way better than the Benson Bros, who were kinda hapless.

Katie: The sexual tension between #TeamKrodie and Korey/Tyler is building to unbearable heights:

The candy challenge got a little dirty…
“It’s hard to pull this through.”
“We’ve got a little bit of time until we dip our nuts.”
“We’ve been waiting to dip our nuts for seven legs!”
“There must be a trick with the way you pull it out.”
“This backside isn’t covered, Brodie.”

Simon: 

Daniel: WOW, what are Tyler and Korey doing!? This is insanity. They just abandoned the candy making when they appeared to be four-fifths done with it. It’s clear now they don’t have that ability to play through the pain to win the championship. At some point, Scott and Blair went back to the candy, but that wasn’t shown. And after Matt and Dana u-turn and go back to the candy, they decide to leave again and try to find the wine again. This episode is pure madness. Meanwhile, Zach and Rachel have somehow taken a commanding lead. Nothing makes sense any more.

Tiina: If you are going to abandon a challenge, you must do it within the first 10 minutes. TAR 101.

Simon: I was thinking that Brodie and Kurt might try and hold onto their express pass, but I’m wondering if Kurt will lobby to use it now, so that we all get cheated out of seeing Brodie Smith dance. Then again, after Kurt’s moves from the bus last week, he could be using this as his Dancing With the Stars audition. Let the speculation begin before the next ad break.

Tiina: Ooh. Good call, Simon. Although he would have a better shot if this were an ABC show. Or maybe Brodie will have a shot at The Bachelor…And it is much too early to use the Express Pass. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were told that by the producers.

Simon: I have committed a cross-network faux pas, and for that, I am ashamed.

Keith: My hate for Dana and Matt is outweighed by the idea of seeing them learn this Georgian dance. I’m sorry to betray you, guys.

Katie: There are either upsetting quantities of stray animals in eastern Europe, or one of TAR camera people really, really misses Fluffy at home. In this episode alone, we saw 4-5 stray cats calmly watching mental breakdowns over nut candy.

Keith: Scott is a SURGEON, right? Have we finally found the stuff he is good at? Small precise motor skills?

Daniel: We’re only at the halfway point, and this is already the best episode of the season, right? We’ve seen it all – Peak #Blodie, Dana rage, blood, complete and utter mental implosion from a couple of different teams. And we haven’t even really gotten into what looks like it will be the hardest road block so far. This is awesome.

Simon: And the theme of Kurt doing all of the heavy lifting continues. BECAUSE HE SALSA DANCES. KURT IS A GOD. KURT IS LEGEND. KURT IS BAE.

Tiina: True Renaissance man. I loved his Harry Potter reference when they got on the train. I would have sliced in a quick clip from the movie.

Katie: Kurt mentions offhand that he’s been taking salsa lessons for TEN YEARS, so he thinks he might be able to learn this dance. You know, in between fighting cancer and winning national titles, he picks up a few moves every now and then. And while it takes him a few tries, he does in fact absolutely kill it.

Brodie continues to be a great hype man.

Simon: The depths of Blair selfishness is unknown. Will she ever contribute anything other than looking cute while waving at locals from a on a bus in Colombia? Or will she spend the entire race cheering her father on while he does the hard work? I almost hate her as much as I hate Dana for saying “I think I just needed to dance this week.”

Tiina: This is when I was certain that Blair was going to be eliminated. She makes her dad do that ridiculously hard dance?! She is self-sabotaging for sure. But why?

Keith: Gotta say, Ashley has some stage presence. Eyes forward, smile on her face, high shoulders. How’s that Jay-Z song go? Georgia, concrete jungle where dreams are made?

Meanwhile, Kurt bounds off the stage (probably too early) every time he messes up and flails his gangle every which way. But whatever, he’s still that dude.

Daniel: Man, if this episode wasn’t crazy enough, Burnie and Ashley go to THE WRONG PARK and blow their huge lead! Zach and Rachel are the first team to break up the dominance of #TeamKrodie and Tyler and Korey. As one of their most vocal doubters, maybe I have to start giving them some credit. I still don’t think they have the Heart of a Champion that it will take to win it all, but their performance this week cannot be argued against.

Keith: Zach and Rachel won this with their candy-making quality. And while I find Dana as repugnant as the rest of you, I can’t deny that she actually looks genuinely happy post dancing. Like a real human being with emotions.

Patrick: Zach seems like someone who gets brutally murdered in a Coen Brothers movie to teach you about nihilism.

The brief beat in between Blair telling Scott he should do the dance and Scott realising his daughter is worthless and will never live up to his expectations for her is the funniest moment of the season hands down.

Tiina: Writing is on the wall.

Katie: “We celebrate mediocrity because it turns out pretty well for us in the end.” These are the famous last words of Mr. Scott Fowler, MD. A man who went to medical school and law school, yet still claims his daughter accomplished more than him by the age of 15.

Daniel: Also, how about Sheri crushing the ballet? Happy for them and for Katie. You make a good point about Blair, Simon, but is Cole not in the same boat? It seems like Sheri is always the one to step up for the big challenges for them.

Tiina: Exactly right, Daniel. Cole the Blind Pig did manage to find the water truck, after panicking wildly. He is the biggest liability on any of the teams.

Patrick: “Cole the Blind Pig” is the most savage thing I’ve heard in 2016

Katie: As the resident roadblock expert here, I can confirm that Sheri has done four road blocks and Cole has done three. Scott did four, Blair did three.

Simon: Daniel, we need a race historian. This is a great place for our guest contributor to drop some The Amazing Race knowledge. Tiina, do parents always drag their spoiled children through challenges like this? Apparently Cole’s job is just to carry the bags.

And apparently Blair’s job is to continue cheating, directly or indirectly.

Tiina: Usually they have more compelling and likable parent/child pairs. I think because they chose Internet stars, their pool was naturally limited to the self-absorbed.

Katie: At this point, this is all I could think of.

We all know who to blame. Looking at you, Scott.

Daniel: Holy shit. Upset of the century. Scott completes the dance before Korey.

Okay. I am skeptical of this now…it’s TOO dramatic. Scott finishes first to take a lead, but then takes Tyler’s bag and takes it back, giving up the lead? It feels fake on top of everything else that has happened this week.

Tiina, as our TAR expert, what do you think? Was that just yet another mental mistake, or did the producers of the show just script some more last minute drama for us? My bullshit senses are tingling, but my frame of reference is admittedly not great.

Tiina: Excellent question, Daniel. Since I knew Blair and Scott were going to lose, I was not surprised about the bag mix-up. However, Blair should have been yelling right away, “I have your bag, Dad. Let’s gooooooo!” Again, TAR 101. So I am leaning toward scripted drama. Unless Blair wanted to ensure their elimination. Which I still think she did.

Simon: #BLODIE is dead.

Tiina: Nail in the coffin was having to stop for gas. It is over.

Daniel: Long live #Blodie.

Daniel: Is there even a need to pick winners and losers this week? Korean rabbi is this week’s winner and Brodie is obviously this week’s loser. Losing Blair could be what derails our boys morale. There’s also no more inter-team romance, which is disappointing for those of who grew up on reality TV shows like Flavor of Love and Rock of Love like I did.

Tiina: There. That’s the kind of confession I like.

Keith: How about the Georgian Ballet choreographer? That dude must have been so insanely bored watching effin’ Americans butcher his beloved national dance. How many times do you think he yelled “You’re worse than the damn Americans!?” whenever one of his dancers botched a move during the following week’s rehearsals?

Katie: My winner this week is Sheri. She cleaned a Georgian wine vat like a boss, learned a complicated Georgian dance –

Simon: – and continued to drag her hapless son all over the world.

Patrick’s Power Rankings – New Romantic Partner for Brodie

Now that the dream is dead for #Blodie, it’s time to investigate who among the remaining contestants Brodie can train the gaze of his physical magnetism on. There is no time to mourn the departed on the Amazing Race, as the living are moving on to bigger and better things. For Brodie, that means a new snuggle buddy. Let’s take a look at some of the prospective racers for Brodie to portmanteau with.

1. #Brashley: The end of a relationship can often lead to a polemic shift in one’s tastes, and after robbing the cradle a bit with Blair, Brodie could use the firm, but foxy presence of an older woman in his life. Ashley seems to have just the right mix of worldliness and hint of adventure for our man Brodes to move on from young Blair. In other words, she gives off a real Julianne Moore vibe, which is pretty much the dream.
2. #Shodie: Mostly for Cole’s benefit, since he REALLY seems like he could use a strong male presence in his life.
3. #Burdie: I actually think this one could work out pretty well. They both are into video games, beards, and probably had trouble talking to girls in high school. If the race stays in these chilly climates, Burnie is definitely going to provide a lot of insulation in a sleeping bag, which sometimes is all you need in a relationship (mostly when it’s really cold, but still.) What he lacks in brawn, Burnie makes up for in brains, so this pairing could really push Brodie into a new headspace. Maybe Burnie would get him into Azimov or something.
4. #Rodie: It’s been seven episodes and literally the only two things I know about Rachel are that she is 1) a newlywed and 2) not the one who does magic in the couple. So there’s not much to work with there. However, after seeing her beau Zach’s general awkwardness and lack of rhythm almost blow their shot at a first place finish and a week in Turks and Caicos maybe the newly married Rachel is having second thoughts? Zach is such a pathetic puppy dog of a person that I don’t think Brodie needs to do too much to assert his dominance, and it could definitely splinter team Magician if Brodie caught Rachel’s wandering eye, probably be asking her if she wants to see “what a real man’s magic is like.”
5. #Dandie: I just can’t see Brodie putting up with someone as brash as Dana, and honestly it might help team Dancer’s chances if they spent some time apart. Those two are the worst people in the world, and honestly they deserve each other.
6. #Bratt: No. Just no. Fuck that guy.

Katie’s TAR Roadblocks Chart