Can Brodie and Kurt survive a rough week?
April 27, 2016 by Ultiworld in Opinion with 4 comments
In which Team Krodie is exposed for its Brodie-sized weaknesses, boa constrictors make rattlesnake noise, and Keith and Katie play sorting hat with TAR contestants.
Daniel: We are back at it again. Last week our boys weren’t at their best, but still managed to finish on top. They had to use their Express Pass, though, so let’s see if that comes into play at all. I failed pretty spectacularly in my winner pick last week, but I did pick Cole and Sheri to come in last. For whatever reason, they weren’t eliminated but I’m still taking credit for it. This week I’m going with Burnie and Ashley to take first. They’ve been second place each of the last three weeks, should have finished first two weeks ago, and nearly take first from our boys a week ago. I think they maximize their form this week and take the number one spot.
And to lose, I’m going with Sheri and Cole again. For the same reasons as last time, but also because I’m still so chapped about them getting to stick around for absolutely no reason that I don’t even really want to go to the effort of picking a loser again. Anyway, let’s see what happens…
Katie: The Brodie/Kurt Travelocity app promo early on is really rough: “Helsinki, bro!” “This app is siiiick.” We get it, Travelocity. You sponsor this show and you didn’t think you were getting bang for your buck so far.
Keith: Really? I thought it seemed really organic; I didn’t even realize Travelocity was a sponsor. I also didn’t realize their have the lowest prices and they have a customer 1st guarantee! You can find out more at [redacted].
Simon: So, I have a question. Brodie is clearly growing a race beard. Burnie already has facial hair. When do the rest of the boys shave? Is that a service provided by the show? I assume that neither Cole nor Matt can grow a beard — take that for whatever you think it’s worth. Is there someone travels all over the world and shaves TAR participants? I have so many questions.
Patrick: Burnie, continuing to act in his role as the greek chorus of the show, gleefully points out that team Krodie is going to have to rely on Brodie accomplishing simple tasks if they want to continue winning/surviving.
Katie: It’s getting a little embarrassing – you know, for our sport – how obviously dumb other teams think Brodie is. I’m not saying he is – but I am saying he’s not building a strong case here. You know when Mensa thinkers like Dana or Cole want to face you in a challenge, you have problems.
Simon: Katie, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we already know what TAR does to members of Mensa.
Daniel: The teams are headed to Bali this week, which is apparently the home to the most diverse animals and plants in the world, according to Phil. But we have established that we can’t trust anything he says but who knows.
Katie: Daniel, if you only downloaded the super easy AND free Travelocity app, you could find out everything you ever wished to know about Bali, bro!
Daniel: I love Sheri saying last week’s finish is “all part of the plan.” She’s either the world’s worst liar, or the world’s most daring strategist.
Keith: Why not both, Daniel? Why not both?
Simon: Did you feel the adrenaline of that snake jog? Were you overwhelmed with Ophidiophobia? It may be because CBS threw a bunch of rattlesnake sounds in while teams were running around with those boa constrictors…which do not have rattlers.
Daniel: Who wore it better?
(I just want you guys to know I made this reference before Tyler did)
Daniel: Anyone else think that Dana sounded a little hopeful when she warned Matt, “Hold it tight or it will suffocate you?”
Keith: I’m going to have to question Dana’s serpent expertise.
Katie: Overall I’m impressed with how all the teams handled the snakes. That roadblock was definitely designed to exploit someone’s biggest fears, but even Korey – whose snake was actively choking him – still made it to the second temple without a full meltdown.
Simon: As we get deeper into the show, I’m finding that TAR is best when there’s some sort of real-time race to the pit stop. All the editing in the world to make the roadblocks seem close doesn’t come close to watching teams physically duke it out.
Daniel: I have to agree. One of my biggest complaints about the show is how often we don’t really know how close the teams are to each other. But when they’re all running down the street together in the same shot, it makes it more fun. You have to think when the race is like this, it gives our boys a strong advantage, too.
Daniel: Kurt steps up to do another roadblock. It’s starting to get to the point where Brodie is going to have to do all of the remaining roadblocks. Not a great position for our boys to be in.
Katie: It’s like TAR producers were handing Brodie a freebie: you lift heavy buckets to and from the shore, Lenny, and then later George will build a giant kite from scratch with no instructions. And yet… somehow Brodie got the yips.
Keith: What the heck was Brodie nervous about? This actually seems pretty good for him.
Patrick: Was that actually goat testicle soup? Like confirmed? I’m going to choose to believe it was.
Daniel: Oh, man. Is this the most physically demanding challenge yet? Poor Rachel. There’s no way Zach and Rachel don’t lose this leg now. Zach knows it, too. His words may be speaking support, but his eyes give his resignation to defeat away.
Katie: I think defeat has been showing in Zach’s eyes all season. He’s realizing that in the eternal partnership he’s committed his life to, he’s the strong, smart, friendly, and nice one. And she’s… looking to adopt abroad I guess?
Keith: We have really bagged on Cole and Sheri, but Cole does actually look like he’s in pretty good shape. This is probably the best he has ever done in a challenge, but it is surprising that doesn’t come into play when it seems to be one of Kurt and Brodie’s biggest advantages.
Daniel: You can tell how much more difficult the challenges are becoming by how much longer it takes the best teams to finish. In earlier episodes, the top two teams would be just about done with the entire leg by the halfway point of the episode, and the back half would focus almost exclusively on who would finish last. This week, though, no one has even finished with the roadblock yet. Hopefully that means a photo finish for first and last this week.
Daniel: Oh wow. Kurt really dropped the bag (of salt) there.
Keith: It is funny that Brodie has become the joke of the other competitors and the various onlookers participating in the competition. At least he knows how to handle some giggling.
Daniel: This second roadblock is setting up to be great television. We have Brodie, Sheri, and Dana all performing a task that takes patience, mental endurance, and a high level of focus.
Daniel: What a remarkable turnaround for Tyler and Korey. Two weeks ago they missed elimination only because of the weird mishap with Blair and the backpacks. This week they take first. Meanwhile Brodie is getting lapped by just about everyone making this kite. Imagine if Kurt had any other partner. He would win The Amazing Race easily. Right now, it’s looking like our boys may genuinely be eliminated.
Keith: I just wanted Kurt to say “This is for our fucking lives” so much.
Katie: I like to think the Roughnecks crew is all sitting around their Dallas mansion on a Friday night, snuggled up with some popcorn:
Dylan: “I could have built that damn kite.”
Beau: “When I was a little boy I used to dream of making kites. I craved the moment – soon to come! – when I would have the wondrous opportunity to make my childhood dream a reality, a reality I could hold and wonder at and somehow fly, fly, fly!”
Jimmy: “I actually built one of tho–”
Beau: “The kite would take that little Beau by the hand and show him a whole new world of possibility, positivity, and perfection. My hands would alight on the kite strings and feel their quivering tension. Carefully the folds of the kite would unfurl before me, twirling and twisting like so many moonbeams. Me and my kite-boy dream would tango forever, with the wind so strong and hearts so full.”
Daniel: Our boys narrowly avoid last place and elimination, but all of a sudden their chances of winning the race are very much in doubt. I’m sad to see Zach and Rachel go. They were far from the least likable team remaining, and they both handled defeat very well.
Katie: They were the least likable team. I’m sorry, Daniel.
Keith: She’s not sorry, Daniel. And handled defeat well is an understatement. I’m pretty sure they improtu’d that splashdown. That’s like, while everyone else is still kick spiking it, taking the disc and ripping it in half down the middle like strongmen do a phonebook. Next level shit.
Daniel: My winner of the week is Bali. This was the coolest location so far. The snakes were cool, the people all seem to have a great sense of humor, and those kites were too awesome. If I were Zach or Rachel, I would be happy to be eliminated in Bali if I had to be eliminated. I might consider “accidentally” missing my flight home. That makes me think though, how does the show handle the eliminated teams? Are they forced to leave immediately? Do they pay for them to travel back home?
And my loser of the week is an obvious pick. Brodie. Come on, man. He’s a great teammate for Kurt in terms of support. His cheers of “Come on, Boy!” any time Kurt is performing a challenge is one of the more endearing parts of the season. But he really hasn’t done anything of merit as far the actual race goes. He has to perform every roadblock now. Is there anyone who thinks our boys have a shot any more? Brodes has to really step it up if #TeamKrodie is going to win this thing.
Keith & Katie’s Sorting Hat
Because our generation can’t look at a group of people without sorting them into Harry Potter houses
Kurt: Obviously, our hero and the unstoppable force of good and righteousness. If Voldemort appears in the next episode of TAR, wouldn’t you pick Kurt as your champion?
Burnie: Throughout the show Burnie has proved to be smart, brave, and good-hearted. Nobody has asserted their leadership the way Burnie has… and you can just picture him the red and gold.
Tyler: Guys, Tyler should be the protagonist of all our lives. I would follow him into battle, and if his Britney jokes were any indication, we know he’d handle Nagini like it was nothing.
Sheri: She’s Neville. Obviously.
Ashley: With Zach gone, Ashley has become the most thoughtful person left on TAR. You can tell she’s playing the strategic game here, always thinking two steps ahead of everyone else.
Cole: Again, we return to one of his earliest quotes: “Tenth is just first, with a zero.” All the looks of Cedric with the brains of a bunny rabbit. Go get ‘em champ.
Matt: Earnest, patient, a loyal companion to Dana, despite her constant abuse.
Brodie: He’s a Hufflepuff…just trust me.
Korey: If you watch and rewatch TAR episodes – like we have – you start to catch the snarky side commentary of Korey. Also, you know he would do anything to win (he just hasn’t had to because they have been winning).
Dana: Like you had to ask.
Blair: Sure, she’s eliminated, but they kicked Tom Riddle out, too.
Patrick’s Power Rankings
Let’s be real, once Cole and Sheri slurped down goat testicles, there was only one topic that these most powerful of rankings were going to survey.
Animal Genitals Ranked in Order of Deliciousness
1. Bat – While Sheri and Cole inhaled those goat nads by the bat cave, little did they know that they were mere feet away from one of the greatest delicacies known to man, bat testicles. Known to local Indonesians as “Kelelawar bol” which translates roughly to “Nosferatu’s gift,” the lavish flavor of bat testicles has been known to drive foodies quite literally insane, so all-encompassing is the sensation.
2. Duck – There are many parts of a duck that can contribute to a delish dish, but the one that is clearly in vogue is the vagina. What had been bubbling as an underground movement exploded into the mainstream a few weeks ago when Russell Crowe scarfed one down on SNL, and now it’s impossible to miss the duck vagina pop-ups that are springing up from Green Point to Los Feliz. While diehards insist on consuming them unvarnished, a little seasoning on the labia really opens up the flavor and can convince even the most discerning palate.
3. Lobster – Known to those who frequent the wharves of northern New England as “Tic-Tacs of the sea”, lobster testicles are a perfect snack to munch on whenever, and as a good source of protein they will complement any homemade trail mix.
4. Goat– The flavors are perhaps a bit obvious for those who consider themselves true connoisseurs of genitalia, but goat testicles make for a great compliment to powerful accoutrements, as Cole and Cherri found out this week. I can personally recommend them alongside a potently fermented Kimchi and washed down with a nice Hot Toddy. Bottom line, our intrepid southerners could have gobbled down something way worse.
5. Sea Turtle – An acquired taste, even by these standards, Sea Turtle uterus must be prepared impeccably to be edible. When perfectly seared and braised so that the texture gradient becomes less jarring, it can accompany some adventurous dishes, most famously in legendary Filipino chef JP Anglo’s “Adobong Rahim” dish that polarized critics in 2013. While there is certainly a novelty factor with sea turtle uterus, it’s a stay away for most eaters.
6. Snail – One of the world’s only hermaphroditic species, and in rare instances capable of self-fertilization, Snail gentiles have been a poster child of adventurous eating for years. I’m here to tell you however, don’t buy into the hype. While the self-fertilized ovum of a Snail is one of the culinary world’s greatest pleasures, the vast majority of snail genitals are either cross-fertilized or not fertilized at all, and yet vendors will sell them at full price, masquerading as the real deal. 99% of the Snail genitals you are paying for are bland and starchy. You’re much better off saving your money and finding a better deal elsewhere than waiting in long lines and paying near extortionist prices for what amount to a bowl of hipster street cred and little else.
7. Orangutan – What kind of sick fuck are you?